Random Facts About…Jack Bauer
Chuck Norris is tough, but Jack Bauer is tougher. Walker Texas Ranger never had to deal with Terrorist and get things done in 24 hours….or did he? Anyway, Jack Bauer is tough, and he is the new man with the Random Facts. Let’s enjoy this new meme together shall we?
1.If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
7.Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.
10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
17.Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.
18.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
19.As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
20.While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
21.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
22.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
23.Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
24.Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
25.Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
26.If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
27.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
29.David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
30.Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
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on January 22nd, 2006 at 11:10 am
lol
on January 24th, 2006 at 2:59 pm
Very nice, I haven’t laughed this hard in a while :-D
on January 24th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
Random Facts About… Jack Bauer…
In the same vein as “31 Things You Didn’t Know About Chuck Norris” comes AstroChimp’s Random Facts About… Jack Bauer.
While they will all be your favorites, mine is Number 14. “Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest…..
on January 27th, 2006 at 4:54 pm
32. When Jack Bauer asks, “Who are you working for?,” it’s retorical. He knows who you’re working for. And he’s already killed them, too.
on January 27th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
33. Jack Bauer’s cell phone never dies because Jack Bauer decides when his cell phone can die.
on January 27th, 2006 at 5:08 pm
34. Jack Bauer demands commercial breaks. Otherwise terrorists die too quickly.
on January 28th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
35. Jack Bauer doesn’t get haircuts. He commands his hair to recede.
on January 29th, 2006 at 9:14 pm
Jack Bauer never takes a crap. The only thing he eliminates is people.
on January 30th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
37. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 11am
38. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
on January 31st, 2006 at 12:36 am
38. Women never stop loving Jack Bauer. Ever.
on January 31st, 2006 at 8:43 am
Jessie “The Body” Ventura may not have time to bleed, But Jack Bauer doesn’t have time to die! Especially when there are terrorist on the loose.
on January 31st, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Bullet proof vests wear Jack Bauer for protection.
on February 2nd, 2006 at 5:30 pm
We dont know what happened to number 31. But if you ask Jack Bauer, he can find it!
on February 2nd, 2006 at 9:30 pm
When Jack Bauer had 3 seconds left to stop a nuclear bomb. He simply swallowed it and sneezed. Shortly after, he pissed on the country responsible for the warhead, which is known now as the Sarah Desert.
on February 4th, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Jack Bauer doesn’t believe in France.
on February 6th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
on February 10th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
This is the best list ever!!! Its all about Jack!!!!!!!!!
on February 19th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
SOME OTHER GOD ONES
The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.
The reason Tony went to prison for treason and Jack didn’t is because all of Jack’s actions are covered as an act of God.
When Jack Bauer drinks milk he dones’t just get a mustache, he gets and entire beard.
A policeman once pulled over Jack Bauer. Upon realizing his mistake the cop promptly arrested himself. Jack then shot him in the face anyways.
on February 20th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
Wow, my side hurt after reading this. Thanks!
on February 21st, 2006 at 11:46 pm
this is freakin hillarious!!
on February 22nd, 2006 at 3:01 pm
JACK BAUER IS MY HERO!!
on February 22nd, 2006 at 6:55 pm
Jack Bauer wouldn’t need Mordor to destroy the ring.
on February 23rd, 2006 at 6:13 pm
OMG…I’m dyin here! Oh wait… or is it Jack Bauer killing me?
on February 27th, 2006 at 10:29 pm
Jack Bauer’s year goes from April 2 to March 31, because there is no fooling Jack Bauer.
on February 28th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
Jack Bauer moshes where angels fear to tread
on March 2nd, 2006 at 9:35 pm
The Europeans found out that the world is round because Jack Bauer said so.
on March 6th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Chuck norris lets this website run so he can have a list of people to roundhouse kick for being fans of jack bauer
on March 16th, 2006 at 8:43 am
The world was actually flat before Jack Bauer said it is round. The world, knowing its best, then reformed round.
on March 19th, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Jack Bauer killed Simon. The game is now called Bauer Says. If you lose, you die. If you win, you die. Why? Because Jack Bauer said so!
on March 22nd, 2006 at 10:21 am
Jack Bauer traveled around the world in 24 hours riding on a terrorist’s back
on April 8th, 2006 at 7:56 pm
If everyone listened to Jack the first time, it would be called 12.
on May 8th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Jack Bauer recently spent time in the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.
on July 3rd, 2006 at 5:05 pm
There was once a street named after Jack Bouer, it had to be closed down as too many people died on it…..NO ONE crosses Jack Bouer alive
on July 9th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
you may be able to outrun jack bauer. but NOT his f150
on July 9th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
Jack Bauer cannot be a chiropractor. it’s his nature when someone is near him to snap their neck